Please excuse me, if you find this post to be a bit messy. There are just a lot of confusing feelings and thoughts that I am trying to navigate, plus all the physical pain, and ups and downs...
Indeed, I have been feeling a bit better - disc-wise a - since Germany won the World Cup 10 days ago. My pain has decreased but the strength and range of motion in my left arm - which now is also visibly smaller than my right - is still at about 40%. Biceps, internal and external rotator, shoulder ROM and grip especially.
But I can move and I am off narcotics. whoop whoop! Even took the dogs for walks a few times again. But then I developed a knot or cyst in my left palm. It's inflamed, too, I think, as it's pretty painful and causes tingly sensations. Tomorrow, I will need to have that checked out... Ugh... Getting old stinks. Ha, that reminds me: my doc today told me to pretend I'm still 29. LOL
But as I said, at least I can move, so here is what I was able to do at the gym this week. Taking off tomorrow to get that knot in my palm taken care of. It's quadrupled in size within 3 days... Gross, I know.
Monday
Worked up to heavy backsquat
Got to 210 - so 25# below my max
WOD 4T
10-1 Deadlift 125#
1-10 straight leg raises to bar
In 5:50
34 strict push-ups in 3'
Tuesday
Roll
Worked up to heavy frontsquat
got to 190 - so 20# below my max
Plank and push-ups in between lifts
Ironscap
WOD
3rds .5m airdyne 3rds 1.5m airdyne
22" tire step ups 10 each leg
10# each side weighted lunges 10 each
15#l/25#r dumb bell curls 10 each arm
Wednesday
1k row warm up 4:25
3 rds
Reverse L-sit tabata
15/15 GhD
Plank holds
WOD 5RFT
250m row
10 20# ball front squat
In 9:58
500m row cool down 2:20
Iron scap
Mobi
I also saw another doctor today - spine person who does not do surgery. Well,he suggested to give an epidural injection a try. I hope insurance will approve that quickly and I can get that done next week so that I can see if it helps before going under the knife.
At least this doctor knows the surgeon I decided to go with and also reassured me that both discectomy and fusion are good procedures that should bring me relief. And they said the surgeon was excellent.
On a side note: I'm tired of filling out the same papers at all these doctors. Wished there was a platform that stored it from which they can just pull it.
Anyway, his strength test also - non-surprisingly - showed a strong deficit in my left arm. And for the first time today I experienced strange headaches as well as more numbness in my left arm and hand. Oh and after rowing, also in my left foot. But let me ignore that for a change. Every time I pay attention to a tiny feeling of pain it has turned into something major.
Who knows maybe it is all mental? In my head. And then it manifests itself physically. Very possible. I mean I have had the most stressful years of my life and battled through them more or less scar-less on the surface. Yet, I just felt like everything was finally settling down, and getting better. I finished graduate school, got an adjunct job that allowed me more time to do lots of lifting and working out, as well as taking care of things at home. Although I have been stressing to find a full-time job in my field. And I really want to. I want a career. I have such strong work ethics, I'm a good team player, and leader... I've even begun to question that having done the PhD was the right thing... I'm basically overqualified but underexperienced. It's a mess.
But, maybe, the reason why I haven't been able to land a full-time position is because I have to take care of myself right now, because all this was going to happen and any "real" job, as other people describe it, would have been in the way and I would have lost it by now.
But, it's no fun to be a financial, physical, and mental burden to everyone close to me and especially to myself. And let's add another stressor, from today on, I only have 6 weeks left to make this right. Make my body heal. But maybe I need to heal my psyche. Which I wanted to do by traveling home. But I can't anymore. I miss Germany so much. I miss my family and my friends. I miss the culture. I just miss it all so much. And there is no one who can understand these feelings.
And to make things harder, I'm not a very patient person. This is definitely testing me mentally. A lot.
It is very difficult for me to stay positive right now and I feel depression and negative thoughts creeping up on me.
My diet is calorie-wise the way it was when I hit it hard at the gym, so I am also getting fat. Which brings up a whole other issue that I thought I had overcome. I think I even called myself recovered the other day. But I am not sure anymore. I've given serious thoughts to returning to ED. I know it would be wrong. If I was pregnant I could turn my attention to that but that whole trying to get pregnant thing is not working either.
It all boils down to "feeling like a failure" again. I feel bad for my husband and I wished again I was "just normal" - whatever that even means.
But nope, always something new that is pulling me down.
I keep telling myself and I do want to end this positively:
I will not give up and I will come out if this stronger.
I need to set goals.
1. Get the knot checked out/ taken care of.
2. Get the epidural injection and wait and see if it helps.
3. Get approval for discectomy surgery.
4. Keep doing what I can at the gym but not overdo it.
5. Stay positive and acknowledge feelings.
