Getting old stinks: Mental vs. Physical Strength

Please excuse me, if you find this post to be a bit messy. There are just a lot of confusing feelings and thoughts that I am trying to navigate, plus all the physical pain, and ups and downs...

Indeed, I have been feeling a bit better - disc-wise a - since Germany won the World Cup 10 days ago. My pain has decreased but the strength and range of motion in my left arm - which now is also visibly smaller than my right - is still at about 40%. Biceps, internal and external rotator, shoulder ROM and grip especially.

But I can move and I am off narcotics. whoop whoop! Even took the dogs for walks a few times again. But then I developed a knot or cyst in my left palm. It's inflamed, too, I think, as it's pretty painful and causes tingly sensations. Tomorrow, I will need to have that checked out... Ugh... Getting old stinks. Ha, that reminds me: my doc today told me to pretend I'm still 29. LOL

But as I said, at least I can move, so here is what I was able to do at the gym this week. Taking off tomorrow to get that knot in my palm taken care of. It's quadrupled in size within 3 days... Gross, I know.

Monday

Worked up to heavy backsquat

Got to 210 - so 25# below my max

WOD 4T

10-1 Deadlift 125#

1-10 straight leg raises to bar

In 5:50

34 strict push-ups in 3'

Tuesday

Roll

Worked up to heavy frontsquat

got to 190 - so 20# below my max

Plank and push-ups in between lifts

Ironscap

WOD

3rds .5m airdyne 3rds 1.5m airdyne

22" tire step ups 10 each leg

10# each side weighted lunges 10 each

15#l/25#r dumb bell curls 10 each arm

Wednesday

1k row warm up 4:25

3 rds

Reverse L-sit tabata

15/15 GhD

Plank holds

WOD 5RFT

250m row

10 20# ball front squat

In 9:58

500m row cool down 2:20

Iron scap

Mobi

I also saw another doctor today - spine person who does not do surgery. Well,he suggested to give an epidural injection a try. I hope insurance will approve that quickly and I can get that done next week so that I can see if it helps before going under the knife.

At least this doctor knows the surgeon I decided to go with and also reassured me that both discectomy and fusion are good procedures that should bring me relief. And they said the surgeon was excellent.

On a side note: I'm tired of filling out the same papers at all these doctors. Wished there was a platform that stored it from which they can just pull it.

Anyway, his strength test also - non-surprisingly - showed a strong deficit in my left arm. And for the first time today I experienced strange headaches as well as more numbness in my left arm and hand. Oh and after rowing, also in my left foot. But let me ignore that for a change. Every time I pay attention to a tiny feeling of pain it has turned into something major.

Who knows maybe it is all mental? In my head. And then it manifests itself physically. Very possible. I mean I have had the most stressful years of my life and battled through them more or less scar-less on the surface. Yet, I just felt like everything was finally settling down, and getting better. I finished graduate school, got an adjunct job that allowed me more time to do lots of lifting and working out, as well as taking care of things at home. Although I have been stressing to find a full-time job in my field. And I really want to. I want a career. I have such strong work ethics, I'm a good team player, and leader... I've even begun to question that having done the PhD was the right thing... I'm basically overqualified but underexperienced. It's a mess.

But, maybe, the reason why I haven't been able to land a full-time position is because I have to take care of myself right now, because all this was going to happen and any "real" job, as other people describe it, would have been in the way and I would have lost it by now.

But, it's no fun to be a financial, physical, and mental burden to everyone close to me and especially to myself. And let's add another stressor, from today on, I only have 6 weeks left to make this right. Make my body heal. But maybe I need to heal my psyche. Which I wanted to do by traveling home. But I can't anymore. I miss Germany so much. I miss my family and my friends. I miss the culture. I just miss it all so much. And there is no one who can understand these feelings.

And to make things harder, I'm not a very patient person. This is definitely testing me mentally. A lot.

It is very difficult for me to stay positive right now and I feel depression and negative thoughts creeping up on me.

My diet is calorie-wise the way it was when I hit it hard at the gym, so I am also getting fat. Which brings up a whole other issue that I thought I had overcome. I think I even called myself recovered the other day. But I am not sure anymore. I've given serious thoughts to returning to ED. I know it would be wrong. If I was pregnant I could turn my attention to that but that whole trying to get pregnant thing is not working either.

It all boils down to "feeling like a failure" again. I feel bad for my husband and I wished again I was "just normal" - whatever that even means.

But nope, always something new that is pulling me down.

I keep telling myself and I do want to end this positively:

I will not give up and I will come out if this stronger.

I need to set goals.

1. Get the knot checked out/ taken care of.

2. Get the epidural injection and wait and see if it helps.

3. Get approval for discectomy surgery.

4. Keep doing what I can at the gym but not overdo it.

5. Stay positive and acknowledge feelings.

Pain Cycles

Today, I was about to count it day 5 of feeling fairly good. On the scale system, I think I have been on a 5-6/7. Then it started flaring up again in the evening to a 7/8. Not sure what aggravated it. My pain is characterized by wandering sharp and pulsing pain either in my shoulder, shoulder blade or upper arm (bi/tri, though c6/c7 is not affected by the herniation...) and forarm, elbow, wrist. Sometimes it feels more like stabbing sometimes it's just dull and achy. My neck barely hurts, neither does my head. But I do get a stiff neck from all the muscle tension every now and again. My thumb and forearm numbness comes and goes as well along with tingling and pins and needles pain usually down my arm and in my hand. Ugh. Right now it's pulsing and sharp pain in my elbow and wrist, a little but in my shoulder blade area... It's gotten worse over the course of the day. Let's hope I'll get some decent rest with just a few ibuprofen and 1 oxy.

I broke out in a rash that I am not sure of where it comes from so I am trying to not use too much medication.

The PT session on Monday left me sore for the next day; Wednesday I had a dental procedure that took over 2 hours. It's more than possible that the sitting in the dentist chair caused some of the worsening that I am feeling today.

I also took the dogs for walks yesterday and today. They didn't pull too much though so I don't think that was it.

Maybe doing backsquats, planks, and core work at the gym? Or getting on the airdyne? I am not sure... But I needed to do it to not go crazy... I need to ask my doc again about what physical activity he thinks I can or should do.

I only back squatted 210# - so about 25# below my pr and it felt kind of hard. It's truly frustrating to witness my own strength loss. I can't do a real push-up anymore. I do not have the strength in my left arm. It just gives in.

Seeing everyone else pr and sweat isn't easy either but I want to be supportive, even if it's hard and sometimes feels like I am lying to myself; however, I need to have faith in the process and remember that it will be ok.

Spinal Surgeon #2

I went to another surgeon in South Denver today to get a second opinion. I liked this doctor much more than the first. He was more personable and professional, took his time to explain everything to me and my husband and did not rule out non-surgical options right away.

I still have another appointment set up but kind of feel it's not necessary anymore (nor do I have time to wait any longer). As I just implied the first surgeon I saw didn't take much time to explain or discuss my case, and didn't even consider non-surgical options.

So, surgeon #2 laid out the pros and cons of possible four options that my case would allow for - in his opinion.

(1) Epidural steroid injections

(2) Anterior cervical discectomy and fusion

(3) Anterior disc replacement

(4) Posterior cervical discectomy



We logically ruled out epidural steroid injections because of (a) failure of other conservative treatment including rest, meds (anti-inflammatories, steroids, narcotics for pain), physical therapy, dry needling, chiropractic manipulation, and (b) the location and size of the herniation.



Left with the remaining hree surgical options. But which one should I do? he compared my case to Peyton Manning and his fusion and showed me X-rays of successful fusions he did on athletes. Manning had (4) done but it didn't work out so (2) was his next step. While I was set on disc replacement over fusion after having done my own research - relying more on European studies than US-based research, I began to doubt this was really the right idea. Yet, I kind of excluded option (4)posterior cervical discectomy.



Nonetheless, this procedure actually shows high success rates, yet, it still may lead to one of the other options down the road (think Peyton Manning).

So should I go ahead and do (2) anterior cervical discectomy & fusion (Manning did this after (4) failed) or (3) anterior cervical instrumentation (aka replacement).



This surgeon worked with athletes, and said (2) was the standard procedure for elite athletes in high contact/impact sports. (3) However, lacks US-based research although it appears to be the preferred procedure in Europe and South America. and research has been promising.



Thinking it over and taking to my PT, reading yet a few more scholarly articles on the topic and some rational thinking made me second-guess going for a big surgery right away.



So, option (4) is what I decided and now the insurance approval battle has begun again.

Here are the titles and authors of some of he articles I've read and found helpful

In making my decision for the less invasive surgery:





(1) Early outcome of posterior cervical endoscopic discectomy: an alternative treatment choice for physically/socially active patients

by Kim, Chi Heon / Chung, Chun Kee / Kim, Hyun Jib / Jahng, Tae Ahn / Kim, Dong Gyu; 

Journal of Korean Medical Science



(2) Full-endoscopic cervical posterior foraminotomy for the operation of lateral disc herniations using 5.9-mm endoscopes: a prospective, randomized, controlled study. by Ruetten S, et al.
Spine (Phila Pa 1976). 2008 Apr 20;33(9):940-8. doi: 10.1097/BRS.0b013e31816c8b67



(3) Minimally invasive cervical microendoscopic foraminotomy; Initial clinical experience. 

by Fessler RG, Khoo LT 

Neurosurgery 51(Suppl 5):S37-S54, 2002.



(4) Advances in Spinal Stabilization. 

by Haid RW Jr, Subach BR, Rodts GE Jr (eds):

Prog Neurol Surg. Basel, Karger, 2003, vol 16, pp 251-265




(5) This one is open access: http://www.karger.com/Article/FullText/351887?hl=1&q=Cervical%20posterior

Long-Term Results of Anterior versus Posterior Operations for Herniated Cervical Discs: Analysis of 6,000 Patients by Dohrmann G.J. · Hsieh J.C.

Section of Neurosurgery, University of Chicago Medical Center



(6) Outcomes Following Nonoperative and Operative Treatment for Cervical Disc Herniations in National Football League Athletes

by Hsu, Wellington K. MD

Spine Issue: Volume 36(10), 01 May 2011, p 800–805

Back to Blogging about Crossfit

I am back. Over a year later, I decided to really do a blog :)

Long story short, CrossFit changed my life. For the better. I am likely to write more about how and why in other posts. So here are my reasons, why I decided to blog about my experience as a female crossfitter.

First of all, I am a writer. I just finished my dissertation and should be drafting proposals for conferences and publications, however, life got in the way and the only form of typing I can do currently is using my iPhone. I guess, I could try writing proposals with my iPhone, but honestly - and despite the fact that it's pretty much impossible - I don't even have the mental space for that right now.

Brings me to the second reason. I want to share my current journey of being an injured crossfitter who was just getting stronger than ever, dreaming and working towards making it to Regionals in 2015. I'm not saying this dream is crushed, because that's not how my competitive brain works, but I have encountered obstacles that need some more care and caution than just doing some extra credit work at the gym.

I have been diagnosed with a C5/C6 disk herniation, cervical radiculopathy, and foraminal cervical stenosis and as a consequence - my muscles trying to work around this - a kyphotic deformation of my neck vertebrae (loss of cervical lordosis). To sum up

My symptoms: numbness and tingling down my left arm into my thumb, pain in my wrist, elbow, shoulder, tri and biceps, loss of range god motion, grip strength, reflexes, and motor skills. And some neck and back pain. But that's nothing compared to the pain felt in my shoulder and arm. Luckily NO headaches!

While analyzing the causes of my neck problems, I can go far back into my childhood. I was dropped and injured my neck as a toddler, then injured my neck jumping rope (yes, jumping rope) in 4th grade, and passed out one time cleaning up my room ( trying to get my head under the bed) while in high school. I also suffered several whiplash accidents (two during horseback riding, two during snowboarding and two in car accidents). Rest was the prescribed treatment for all of these incidents. I don't think ever had they taken X-rays. All this occurred while still back in Germany.

At any rate, the first time it really became an issue - besides episodes of stiff neck every now and then - was when I became more and more active at CrossFit. Note, that sitting in front of the computer with suboptimal posture for the majority of hours per day added to my already harmed neck.

So, to keep it rather short today, I will follow up soon to let you all know how it all got worse, what I have been trying to "heal" it and what will be ahead on my road to recovery, and on my path to becoming a competitive CrossFitter.

In the meantime, let's cheer for Germany to win the World Cup today!

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"People will keep saying something is impossible until someone shows them that it is possible."