Giving up is not an option

We all have been to points in our lives at which we began to question:

Which route should I take?

Will I make the right choice?

Or, is it even worth it?

Many give up right at this point. They listen to all the nay-sayers, the non-believers, and those who simply do not know what we humans are actually capable of. Trapped in a system that is sick in its own way, I can't blame anyone who is unable to break free. I have been there myself probably more than I would like to admit. Yet, I have learned fromy past experiences that truly anything is possible. I just have to keep reminding myself of that lower that lives within.

When I started crossfit almost 2 years ago, I had no idea of what it would actually do to me and how important it would become in my life. At the same time, and as much as (or because of the fact that) I live crossfit so much, I need to look inside myself to anchor my feelings and to not get carried away in the storm I am I finding myself in right now.

Crossfit has changed me.

Yes, I have become physically strong. In fact, stronger than I ever thought I could be, but while the weight on my bar increased, I began to shed the burdens I was carrying inside. I had always tried to fit in. I wanted to be accepted, appreciated, acknowledged and recognized. In crossfit, this seemed to be happening. Even without looking good on the outside. I mean, have you ever seen the faces we make when we lift heavy weights? And for me, I turn tomato red with any physical activity already. A sweaty mess. So, I rid myself of the burden of becoming yet another "perfect woman," and felt I was returning to who I was supposed to be. A strong woman - inside and out.

But it's not just the sport hat did this to me. It's the community. Never have I felt more welcomed, accepted, and supported than in the crossfit community.

In fact, without it - I guarantee - I would have already given up and surrendered. I would be miserable. And worst of all, I would not have acted in my beat interest. My "fear of failure" would have won over my "thirst for success." Yes, I would be so miserable.

Although I must admit that i am getting increasingly frustrated about being injured and especially about being unable to do what I love (insert CrossFit), I am starting to appreciate the side of me that is usually pushed to the side: vulnerability.

It is difficult to step outside and see my neighbors who are all about 20-40 years older than me do yard work, walk their dogs or even go for a jog. It is even more difficult to get in the car and pass runners, cyclists and those, on the contrary, who sit at the bus stop smoking a cigarette throwing away heir health... Most difficult, however, is to go to the gym to do simple stretching exercises and easy, modifed movements while everyone around me is rigging the PR bell - loud and proud - as they should be.

Being supportive of them is important to me. I can be happy with them,bbut I admit that their successes can taste bitter sweet. This is where I am being tested, and this is where I grow stronger. I feed from this. I may not use the fuel just now, but I will when I return.

As much as I hate being injured, as much as I hate not being in control of my body, I am convinced that setbacks like these are put in our ways to challenge us to new levels, to overcome the impossible, and to advance in a way that we simply did not expect.

Most importantly: GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION!

Here are two stories (one in German and one in English) that basically talk about willpower, not giving up, and the possibilty of the impossible:

The German article is about Sami Khedira, a German soccer player (Nationalmannschaft) who suffered a typical soccer injury: Kreuzbandriss (= rupture of cruciate ligament). His quick recovery is said to be a combination of both, excellent medical help and his hard work. Two important factors in anyone's recovery. I'm clearly shooting for my part, and so far I am consulting any source I can to get the best medical help available to me.

http://www.dfb.de/news/de/training-und-wissen/das-kreuz-mit-dem-kreuzband/61049.html

In this one, we learn about Miranda Oldroyd, a female crossfit athlete who had a car accident that almost cost her her life. Her story is inspirational and reminds me of my situation. I am not going to give up. I'd rather become the beast of airsquats and pistols but I will not make my injury define me.

http://espn.go.com/espnw/athletes-life/article/11250303/espnw-how-crossfit-saved-miranda-oldroyd-life

Spinal Surgeon #2

I went to another surgeon in South Denver today to get a second opinion. I liked this doctor much more than the first. He was more personable and professional, took his time to explain everything to me and my husband and did not rule out non-surgical options right away.

I still have another appointment set up but kind of feel it's not necessary anymore (nor do I have time to wait any longer). As I just implied the first surgeon I saw didn't take much time to explain or discuss my case, and didn't even consider non-surgical options.

So, surgeon #2 laid out the pros and cons of possible four options that my case would allow for - in his opinion.

(1) Epidural steroid injections

(2) Anterior cervical discectomy and fusion

(3) Anterior disc replacement

(4) Posterior cervical discectomy



We logically ruled out epidural steroid injections because of (a) failure of other conservative treatment including rest, meds (anti-inflammatories, steroids, narcotics for pain), physical therapy, dry needling, chiropractic manipulation, and (b) the location and size of the herniation.



Left with the remaining hree surgical options. But which one should I do? he compared my case to Peyton Manning and his fusion and showed me X-rays of successful fusions he did on athletes. Manning had (4) done but it didn't work out so (2) was his next step. While I was set on disc replacement over fusion after having done my own research - relying more on European studies than US-based research, I began to doubt this was really the right idea. Yet, I kind of excluded option (4)posterior cervical discectomy.



Nonetheless, this procedure actually shows high success rates, yet, it still may lead to one of the other options down the road (think Peyton Manning).

So should I go ahead and do (2) anterior cervical discectomy & fusion (Manning did this after (4) failed) or (3) anterior cervical instrumentation (aka replacement).



This surgeon worked with athletes, and said (2) was the standard procedure for elite athletes in high contact/impact sports. (3) However, lacks US-based research although it appears to be the preferred procedure in Europe and South America. and research has been promising.



Thinking it over and taking to my PT, reading yet a few more scholarly articles on the topic and some rational thinking made me second-guess going for a big surgery right away.



So, option (4) is what I decided and now the insurance approval battle has begun again.

Here are the titles and authors of some of he articles I've read and found helpful

In making my decision for the less invasive surgery:





(1) Early outcome of posterior cervical endoscopic discectomy: an alternative treatment choice for physically/socially active patients

by Kim, Chi Heon / Chung, Chun Kee / Kim, Hyun Jib / Jahng, Tae Ahn / Kim, Dong Gyu; 

Journal of Korean Medical Science



(2) Full-endoscopic cervical posterior foraminotomy for the operation of lateral disc herniations using 5.9-mm endoscopes: a prospective, randomized, controlled study. by Ruetten S, et al.
Spine (Phila Pa 1976). 2008 Apr 20;33(9):940-8. doi: 10.1097/BRS.0b013e31816c8b67



(3) Minimally invasive cervical microendoscopic foraminotomy; Initial clinical experience. 

by Fessler RG, Khoo LT 

Neurosurgery 51(Suppl 5):S37-S54, 2002.



(4) Advances in Spinal Stabilization. 

by Haid RW Jr, Subach BR, Rodts GE Jr (eds):

Prog Neurol Surg. Basel, Karger, 2003, vol 16, pp 251-265




(5) This one is open access: http://www.karger.com/Article/FullText/351887?hl=1&q=Cervical%20posterior

Long-Term Results of Anterior versus Posterior Operations for Herniated Cervical Discs: Analysis of 6,000 Patients by Dohrmann G.J. · Hsieh J.C.

Section of Neurosurgery, University of Chicago Medical Center



(6) Outcomes Following Nonoperative and Operative Treatment for Cervical Disc Herniations in National Football League Athletes

by Hsu, Wellington K. MD

Spine Issue: Volume 36(10), 01 May 2011, p 800–805

GERMANY is WELTMEISTER

Wir sind Weltmeister. After years of hard work, smart coaching, physical and mental training, Germany has finally made it: Winning the FIFA World Cup. Athletes and fans alike know how good winning can feel. Endorphines basically replace adrenaline or couple up, I guess. I am not an expert on hormones, but the emotions I felt when Götze shot that one and only goal during the second half of overtime, were intense. I made my dogs go crazy as I screamed "Jaaaaaa!" and jumped off of my chair. Unbelievable. Simply wunderbar.
My posture will be fixed for at least the next couple of days, as I carry myself with an extra touch of pride...

But, at the other end, we all were shocked to see Kramer go down, keep playing, but then a bit later - surprisingly still walking - going off the field. Head injuries are not uncommon in soccer or any other contact sports for that matter. I hope that 23 year old Christoph will only have suffered a concussion as the TZ reported, but I also hope they will take x-rays of his neck. Just in case. Pereira (player for Uruguay) was knocked out during their game against England. Although he was unconscious, he kept playing. According to sources such as die Zeit, FIFPro is calling for "more" head protection. That's great, but they will keep happening, so discussing the measures that should be taken during a game, seems just as important to me. I'm sure FIFPro is considering that as well, but I am just saying. 
 
It certainly reminded me of my own spinal problems, the pain, and the thoughts of recovery,and fear of being able to perform at the gym again the way one did pre-injury. I sure am no star soccer player, but it does not matter who you are and it does not matter why you got injured in the first place. It is important, however, to address the cause and to be proactive and optimistic about recovery. My body is telling me with the pain it sends down my arm, that I have to do something. Change something. And I am. Never have I been more focussed on form and core strength. Maybe this will play out in my advantage in the long run, even if it will take me longer to get back to where I was pre-injury.

Tomorrow, I will see another specialist to get a second opinion on surgery and all. 
For now, I am happy to be Weltmeister and hope the best for all head-injured players of the 2014 FIFA World Cup, which has been one of the best I've seen - not only because we made it.

By the way, if you haven't read my "About me" blurb: I am German. 

Gute Nacht - tonight without narcotics! Woohoo!