Week 24 - getting bigger

This post is from last week:

A year ago I wanted my muscles to get bigger, one year later and I am looking at my tummy to do so. 

I'm not going to lie, being pregnant for the first time teaches you a lot about body image and self perception. I lived through being overweight as a teenager and then being bulimic/anorexic through college until I finally started treatment at the end of 2008. I really started accepting my body once I started crossfit in 2012. It took a while but for the last 2 years I have been pretty comfortable in my body and even wanted to get bigger (muscles):

Well,  now I feel like I'm thrown back to those awful teenage years. I feel like a walrus, and, no, it's not because I'm pregnant and it's normal to gain weight - though I am thankful that's what society keeps telling me - it's because I am allowing myself to eat anything at anytime. Yes, that may be because I am pregnant. I may also have swollen ankles and hands and water retained in every cell. I'm trying to be ok with it. I'm trying to focus on keeping my unborn baby girl healthy. It's the same sentence over and over: It is only temporary. 

Once our little monkey is here I will be able to go 100% at the gym again and beat my PRS but for now I am holding back to protect my baby. It's my instinct and my motherly worries that make me do that. Before I was pregnant I would have never ever even thought about holding back. I would have probably judged (inside my mind) those who allowed themselves to indulge, lose discipline and gain unnecessary weight. 

But I get it now. It's not about me- it's all about the unborn life inside me now. It's not easy to be a pregnant mother, a soon-to-be first-time-mom and a person with past body image, food issues, a sense for competition and love for CrossFit. I know there are things in this world that are far worse but yet my struggles are valid and real - at least to me. 

I guess this post is just a brief reflection of my current state of mind, disorganized and self-absorbed. But I am just being honest about my feelings at 24 weeks pregnant and my painful reality of getting bigger. Truth is, I do not like being big and heavy without the strength and muscle that I used to have. And I am scared I will fall into that trap of giving in and not getting back on my feet. It was so hard as a teenager and I do not want to relive these emotions, yet, I am scared I can't get back to my fit self again. 

But I am working out. 

Today I just did some lifting:

Warm up

500m roe

Iron scap

500m row

Stretching and mobility

3RM OHS worked up to a "what felt heavy" 50kg

Then strength cycle work from MBS:
1. Clean 5 sets of 1 @ 65% of your 1RM Clean & Jerk @100/45. Level load across all 5 sets. Linear progression each week 2.5kg increase

2. Back squat, Start by working to 90% of your 1RM Back Squat which is currently 220/100 (so 200/90). 

Then, 1 drop set of 5 reps. Drop set at 13kg down so at 75kg

3. Deadlift, Work to a 3RM. Then, 1 drop set of 5 reps. Drop set at 30kg down if your 3RM is above 180kg. Drop set at 20kg down if your 3RM is below 180kg. Linear progression each week. Target a 10kg increase each week if your 3RM is above 180kg. Target a 5kg increase each week if your 3RM is below 180kg.

Getting old stinks: Mental vs. Physical Strength

Please excuse me, if you find this post to be a bit messy. There are just a lot of confusing feelings and thoughts that I am trying to navigate, plus all the physical pain, and ups and downs...

Indeed, I have been feeling a bit better - disc-wise a - since Germany won the World Cup 10 days ago. My pain has decreased but the strength and range of motion in my left arm - which now is also visibly smaller than my right - is still at about 40%. Biceps, internal and external rotator, shoulder ROM and grip especially.

But I can move and I am off narcotics. whoop whoop! Even took the dogs for walks a few times again. But then I developed a knot or cyst in my left palm. It's inflamed, too, I think, as it's pretty painful and causes tingly sensations. Tomorrow, I will need to have that checked out... Ugh... Getting old stinks. Ha, that reminds me: my doc today told me to pretend I'm still 29. LOL

But as I said, at least I can move, so here is what I was able to do at the gym this week. Taking off tomorrow to get that knot in my palm taken care of. It's quadrupled in size within 3 days... Gross, I know.

Monday

Worked up to heavy backsquat

Got to 210 - so 25# below my max

WOD 4T

10-1 Deadlift 125#

1-10 straight leg raises to bar

In 5:50

34 strict push-ups in 3'

Tuesday

Roll

Worked up to heavy frontsquat

got to 190 - so 20# below my max

Plank and push-ups in between lifts

Ironscap

WOD

3rds .5m airdyne 3rds 1.5m airdyne

22" tire step ups 10 each leg

10# each side weighted lunges 10 each

15#l/25#r dumb bell curls 10 each arm

Wednesday

1k row warm up 4:25

3 rds

Reverse L-sit tabata

15/15 GhD

Plank holds

WOD 5RFT

250m row

10 20# ball front squat

In 9:58

500m row cool down 2:20

Iron scap

Mobi

I also saw another doctor today - spine person who does not do surgery. Well,he suggested to give an epidural injection a try. I hope insurance will approve that quickly and I can get that done next week so that I can see if it helps before going under the knife.

At least this doctor knows the surgeon I decided to go with and also reassured me that both discectomy and fusion are good procedures that should bring me relief. And they said the surgeon was excellent.

On a side note: I'm tired of filling out the same papers at all these doctors. Wished there was a platform that stored it from which they can just pull it.

Anyway, his strength test also - non-surprisingly - showed a strong deficit in my left arm. And for the first time today I experienced strange headaches as well as more numbness in my left arm and hand. Oh and after rowing, also in my left foot. But let me ignore that for a change. Every time I pay attention to a tiny feeling of pain it has turned into something major.

Who knows maybe it is all mental? In my head. And then it manifests itself physically. Very possible. I mean I have had the most stressful years of my life and battled through them more or less scar-less on the surface. Yet, I just felt like everything was finally settling down, and getting better. I finished graduate school, got an adjunct job that allowed me more time to do lots of lifting and working out, as well as taking care of things at home. Although I have been stressing to find a full-time job in my field. And I really want to. I want a career. I have such strong work ethics, I'm a good team player, and leader... I've even begun to question that having done the PhD was the right thing... I'm basically overqualified but underexperienced. It's a mess.

But, maybe, the reason why I haven't been able to land a full-time position is because I have to take care of myself right now, because all this was going to happen and any "real" job, as other people describe it, would have been in the way and I would have lost it by now.

But, it's no fun to be a financial, physical, and mental burden to everyone close to me and especially to myself. And let's add another stressor, from today on, I only have 6 weeks left to make this right. Make my body heal. But maybe I need to heal my psyche. Which I wanted to do by traveling home. But I can't anymore. I miss Germany so much. I miss my family and my friends. I miss the culture. I just miss it all so much. And there is no one who can understand these feelings.

And to make things harder, I'm not a very patient person. This is definitely testing me mentally. A lot.

It is very difficult for me to stay positive right now and I feel depression and negative thoughts creeping up on me.

My diet is calorie-wise the way it was when I hit it hard at the gym, so I am also getting fat. Which brings up a whole other issue that I thought I had overcome. I think I even called myself recovered the other day. But I am not sure anymore. I've given serious thoughts to returning to ED. I know it would be wrong. If I was pregnant I could turn my attention to that but that whole trying to get pregnant thing is not working either.

It all boils down to "feeling like a failure" again. I feel bad for my husband and I wished again I was "just normal" - whatever that even means.

But nope, always something new that is pulling me down.

I keep telling myself and I do want to end this positively:

I will not give up and I will come out if this stronger.

I need to set goals.

1. Get the knot checked out/ taken care of.

2. Get the epidural injection and wait and see if it helps.

3. Get approval for discectomy surgery.

4. Keep doing what I can at the gym but not overdo it.

5. Stay positive and acknowledge feelings.

Measurements and Baseline

Baseline WOD


400m Run
40 Air Squats
30 Situps
20 Push-Ups
10 Pull-Ups

Time: 4 minutes 51 seconds

May 1 before working out, I had my measurements taken.

Weight: 142Ibs / 64.5kg

Chest: 35.5in / 90cm
Waist: 28.5in / 72.5cm
Hips: 38.5in / 98cm
Thigh: 21in / 53.5cm

BodyFat%: 18.8

So, I guess I should be setting a goal.
I want to improve in one month.
If I could do the WOD in 3 minutes, that would be great. I am better on 10min+ WODs but that's ok. I am already doing RX on most WODs though. inch-wise I think I can lose around the hips, possibly thigh and waist but I think my chest is not goign to get smaller, rather bigger. Similarly, I am barely in the athletic range for body fat, but 15% would be pretty awesome. Weight-wise I have no idea. But 135 would be great, yet, I really don't care about my weight.

I have no idea if any of these are realistic but let's say these are my goals:

Performance Time: 3 minutes (1minute 50 seconds)

Chest: 35in / 90cm (0.5in)
Waist: 25.5in / 65cm (3in)
Hips: 35in / 90cm (3.5in)
Thigh: 19in / 48.5cm (2in)

BodyFat%: 15

Weight: 135Ibs / 61.5kg