36 weeks pregnant - BS PR & anxiety

Last week, at 36 weeks I PRd my backsquat. I hit 2reps at 240#. It was surprisingly easy, but I decided to not go to failure and stopped after the successful lift. 

I was proud of myself and then soon got annoyed by people telling me it was because I am pregnant. Guys, there is no scientific proof showing that women who are pregnant can lift heavier. I have been working hard and I am dedicated to my programming, despite the fact that I am pregnant. I have to force myself daily to even get out of bed! And I took off all of December because I could not get myself to even go for a run. 

Being pregnant is a struggle and I have not enjoyed any minute of it (thanks also to nausea and heartburn since week 8!). I don't even want to think about post partum. It's going to be hard! Harder than post neck surgery! I haven't given 100% at the gym in almost a year now and, honestly, it really sucks! I have seen my strength slip away and moments like last week make me happy and proud of what my body is capable of because of my dedication and perseverance not because I am pregnant. 

This being sad, I am now less than 4 weeks away from giving birth and I cannot wait. I also cannot wait to start working on my body again. I'm scared about the first month post partum and even more so the entire journey ahead. I have been reading through blogs and articles and information and experiences are really mixed. I have no idea what to expect.

Will I have issues with DRAM (diastasis recto in abdominal muscles)? Will my pelvic floor muscles or posture be different? Will kegels and TVA activation to rebuild inner core strength help? How long will it take? And will I be able to focus on my recovery while taking care of a newborn? 

It's this time in pregnancy where I am getting nervous and scared not just about child birth but about the time to come. 

And then there is my competitive mind screaming from the very back - because it's been placed on hold for so long. It's screaming because it's hungry and I truly do not want to shut it up just yet. I actually believe that I can do it. And I also believe that I can surprise myself because I have not yet shown what I am capable of. It's the not knowing that makes me anxious and impatient. But I have promised myself that I will not give up. This is just adding fuel to the fire. 

CrossFit Withdrawal

While the Games ended today - Chapaeu, Froning and Leblanc-Bazinet - but  I already feel signs of "CrossFit withdrawal" that are expressed in mental obsession with, and anxiety about my performance and level of strength. I have been working so hard to get where I was and really don't want to lose any of my strength but instead I want to keep working on my weaknesses. But I cannot. I had to quit.

I am starting to freak out.
I don't want to start over nor do I want to accept it if I need to.

I'm trying to tell myself, that it will be ok, that I will just get super strong legs and work on my core. And that's what I am doing, but honestly, I feel like I won't be able to get my chest, shoulder and arm strength back as quickly as I would like to when I can work it again. If I can work it again: 

I'm also getting scared about my gymnastics. I mean I really need all he time I can get to work on my muscle up, my handstand walks, and aside of that my snatch. Let's say, I can return to my normal workout style in October, how long will it take me to get my strength back? How fast can I work on butterfly, and other drills?

Ugh, the metcon part will be ok. I have big tank and I usually only need a couple of months to get that in shape. But, the rest... 

And if I need hand surgery also I'm going to scream! Seriously. 

My game plan for now is: 

1. Rest my left hand and pray that the knot will just disappear;

2. Work on my core and legs;

3. Get the epidural injection in my neck;

4. Work on nutrition;

5. Stay sane and breathe.