Pregnant and not wodding

Before I was pregnant I always said that I will work out during pregnancy and that I don't see a reason why I shouldn't. 

Well, already during my first trimester, I noticed that I simply could not do it. As much as I wanted it, I was physically or mentally (or both) not able to do what I had promised myself. While it's been very hard during the first trimester primarily because of nausea and shortness of breath, I have been sick all of my second trimester so far. At first, I pushed through but then I realized that what I was doing was not good for my body, so how could it be good for my baby.

It's been an internal struggle and I had to surrender myself to it eventually. Almost 4 weeks without physical activity does not make me feel good, but at the same time I know that I made the right choice.

Yet, I am scared, because I am getting "fat and lazy". I now understand why women gain weight during pregnancy, why some say they just cannot work out and I can also see how you get sucked in a cycle that will keep you lazy and getting even fatter. I sometimes think, I shouldn't care and just worry about it once the baby is here but I am also scared I won't find my way back into training and good shape. Right now I am just scared to be in even worse shape Han I would think I should be. I hate to disappoint myself. And I truly hate that I have to admit that I am not that woman, not that pregnant mother-to-be who can kick butt despite pregnancy. In fact, there are so many things I probably could still make myself do that I simply don't because... Because I don't know! No reason! I feel like I have given up. And I feel like this baby is taking it all away. 

It's going to be an interesting second have of my pregnancy and I hope I find some enthusiasm and energy to fight my "laziness" that's come about by my nausea and tiredness and feeling off. 

Weeks 15-17 pregnant, sick, flying and NO exercise

Week 15: The week before Thanksgiving I started to get sick. I worked out Monday and Tuesday before but probably shouldn't have. I felt worst on Thankagiving, and better again on Sunday. It was quite difficult to not work out knowing I was going to be gone for two weeks when working out would be even more of a challenge. 

Week 16: I flew to Germany and felt googd the day of the travel until I arrived and sat in the car from Düsseldorf airport back to Cologne. I had to throw up quite a bit. Maybe because I hadn't been taking my diclegis (nausea/morning sickness meds). I had another episode driving to Bremen for a day the following Thursday. I decided to hold of with working out until I felt better. So I did and I went running and did a mini body weight wod Saturday the 6th. I felt good while exercising and wanted to keep doing it every day, but the next day I started to feel sick again with a sore throat, cough and runny nose. The rainy and cold weather didn't help either. 

I gained 5ibs duringn that one, well two weeks of not wilting out and I am scared to death I will keep gaining. It's not hat I could say it's because I am pregnant. It's truly because I am sick, lazy and eating a lot of food, including loads of Christmas treats. I whether my food evey day in my log and even though I do not have a surplus of calories I am gaining- clearly because of what I am eating. I am starting to be terrified about weight gain. I am starting to fall into very old patterns and being sick is not helping to overcome those yet. 

Yet I know I need to get over this cold before I can really start tackling my activity decrease to increase it again. 

Week 17 has just started and I am about to lose my mind over the whole gaining I weight and losing fitness issue. 

The holidays need to be over. I need to be healthy and fit again. This pregnancy has been far from enjoyable and I have thoughts of failure creeping in and fears that I won't be able to return to my old shape after the pregnancy... 

Where is my determination and discipline these days? Is this normal in pregnancy? To doubt everything and be frustrated with everything?

Ugh. 

It's ok to suck! You are making a human!

At first I boringly titles this post with "pregnant, sick and frustrated" but then I remembered that I had just posted my current mantra to a friends FB post. She was talking about affirmations in crossfit and how she had used "I can trust my legs!" At last weekend's competition in which she had to do some heavy front squats - a lift that's not her strongest. 

I guess, I need to remind myself of he "this is where I am at right now". 

Nevertheless, here is my original venting post abou being sick, pregnant and frustrated.

So, I caught a cold that I don't seem to get rid off. Nevertheless, I decided to go to the gym and WOD. I'm still not sure whether this was smart or not. I have not been able to hit weights I should be able to, nor have I been able to breathe. 

But, working out made me feel good in the moment. Who knows, maybe I will feel better tomorrow, or after Thanksgiving. 

At any rate, being sick has made me feel even worse about myself and I have encountered some depression and frustrations. 

I checked my weight this morning and I am doing just fine in terms of that, however, I feel like a fat kid and my body has blown up like a water balloon although my weight has not really changed.

Before pregnancy my weight has always been somewhere around 140-150# with a body fat of 16-20. I'm pretty sure my body fat now is through the roof but my weight is at 150# at 15 weeks. 

I usually don't worry too much about weight but now that my strength (and muscles) has decreased I am getting frustrated and anxious.

Maybe this is just a phase, but so far pregnancy has been nothing but nauseating, frustrating, and long... And I am just 3 months in. 

Sorry, but I needed to vent today. 

Being pregnant is different for everyone. Unfortunately for me it's no fun at all. 

Pregnancy Week 11

               Our baby at 9 weeks! 

Food: 

I am starting to feel a bit better and my appetite  seems to be returning. I am still taking diclegis to help nausea and vomiting. Sometimes I am even craving certain foods (primarily complex carbs, such as Pumpernickel) but I have another week of my nutrition and lifestyle challenge to go thorough before I can indulge "limitless" in dairy and carbs again. 

I am currently eating tons of fruits (smoothies, bananas and nuts are my go to foods) I have notice weight gain in areas that bother me. Though he scale, hasn't changed much. Obviously, this may be further pushed by being pregnant, feeling bloated and generally "full". 

Workouts:

I worked out 5 times this week and noticed strength loss. Not only on upper body movements and lifts but also in my legs which is very strange and unusual for me. I was able to Frontsquat 175 but it was super heavy and my jerk only went up to 125 this week. Not to speak of my miserable attempts to dip and do strict pullups. While I am still trying to renounce and recover from neck surgery, I am not happy. 

WOD times also are significantly slower. I have identified several reasons

a) I am not willing to push myself as hard because I am scared I could harm the baby and 

b) I get out of breath unusually fast

c) it's in my head that I "should do better" and how I feel like a failure. 

On some wods I even opted to use lighter weights (very unlike me, unless I can physically not do them, but this week I really could have). 

So WODding has been not as much fun this week. Primarily, because I found myself in self-destructive self talk episodes coupled with passion- and motivation-lacking attitude towards the WODs and myself.

Lifestyle: 

I dragged myself to work every morning this week and on days I didn't have errands to do I took long naps after lunch. Generally, I have been fairly active this week though but I did not get all things done around the house that I wanted to. My husband and I did spend some eves wodding and snuggling together which made me happy and content despite the negative feelings I have had about my body and myself this week. 

Feelings and thoughts:

This week, I have noticed that I am increasingly frustrated about my decreasing performance. Especially my stamina seems to have disappeared. 

I know that part of it has to do with surgery as well which is just 2 months passed now. But it is very difficult for me to not be one of the leaders of the pack at my gym. Plus, everyone else is hitting PRs and improving. 

Sometimes I just can't believe that being 11 weeks pregnant makes me so much weaker. 

I've heard people say the second trimester was different and that the body will regain strength and tiredness will pass as well, but I am skeptical. However, I am not going to give up and I even started running short distances again. I am missing out on the next games and comps season but I want to bounce back as quickly and strong as possible. 

Yet, I am scared I won't. Not because I couldn't but because I will have a baby to take care of which will limit me to the possibilities of doing what I want when I want. But why worry about this now? 

Most important for me now is to get my body image in check and think about aome dietary changes for when the semi-paleo challenge is over. (I had done 6 weeks of strict paleo before and my body did not respond well to it that time either, so I am looking forward to eating what my body really needs and cutting back on some of the things I probably shouldn't have as much (aka bananas and nuts). After all I grew up on potatoes and my ancestors did - still hearing Oma's voice "Iss deine Kartoffeln! Während des Krieges waren wir froh, wenn wit überhaupt welche hatten."

Final ModWOD Week Before My Cervical Spine Surgery

Monday is treating me wells of far. Although, I didn't sleep because of the full moon and I guess some anticipation anxiety for surgery. But I made it to the gym to get some work done. Although the bench was very frustrating! I could not lift the bar of the rack at 88#!!! WTH? So I did multiples at 80 and then a couple lifting "focus on form" WODs.

Mobi

Iron scap

Bench 5-5-5-5-5

At 45-55-65-75-80-failed 88

Then 5rds

10x Bench at 65#

5x push jerk at 45#

5x split jerk at 45#

10x leg raises 

3k Row in 13:54

10rds focus on form

10 OHS squad with 15# bar

10 "heavy" Russians 35# 

50m sled pull 100#

1k row cool down 4:35

Mobi

I actually feel a bit sore now...

My goal for the 4-6 weeks that I'm out is to do some positive thinking; affirmations and mental strength building. I'll also train my brain for lifting and movements. Maybe I'll even study to gt the L1 cert? Why not; right?

And, I initiated a video/interview project that will be awesome, too!! Life is good. 

And even though being injured (kind of awrong  label, because I didn't have an accident...) sucks, it is such an invaluable lesson. 

It will be ok.