My Truth about Staying in Shape during Pregnancy

Before I got pregnant I was in pretty good shape and I always told myself that when I get pregnant I will do everything to stay in shape. I said I didn't understand how women would not work out or how they would use pregnancy as an excuse. Well, hello reality! I very well understand  it now. 

During the first half of my first trimester I was still recovering from neck surgery but had kept my shape pretty well considering the circumstances. Then, nausea hit me and it wasn't just the kind of nausea that would go away with the simple tricks your doctor or the media would tell you. I had (and still have) extreme nausea and take medication to help ease it at least a little bit. 

Anyway, I still managed to make myself workout at least 4 times a week but then I got sick with the flu which I dragged with me for an entire month. It was  impossible for me to work out. I walked the dogs - that was it. I could watch myself, or my fitness that is, go to hell. I felt (and still feel) like a fat, lazy kid who enjoys eating more than physical activity. It scares me at times, because it is not like me at all.

Well after a month of laziness and overindulgence in "bad" or comfort foods I finally made it back to the gym again: 

We CrossFitters keep track of our times and I was by far the slowest on the board today. A year ago I would have laughed about this workout: today I cried. 

I realized that I am not that fit mom I always wanted to be. It is in fact not always that simple to be what you vision yourself to be, I already knew that, but I am very determined and I persevere. But this got mom ideal just doesn't seem to be working out for me at all even though I was in great shape before or when I got pregnant. 

At first, I felt like a failure, as if I let myself down because I let myself "go". But my truth is that I just listened to my body and that was to take a one month break and also to eat whatever I wanted. In the end I will be ok. Working out today felt like I started crossfit for the first time in my life but it also showed me that it is ok to be slower and weaker. I get a chance to start over in perfecting my movements and technique. 

It's not easy to accept to be less strong and slower than I used to but it is what it is and it does not mean that I am weak. After all, my body is changing in ways I have never experienced it. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is ok to be imperfect. Even though it is painful not to meet your own standards and ideals, it does not take away your worth. It is all relative. Life is unpredictable and provides the greatest challenges. All we need to do is accepting our truths. 

It's ok to suck! You are making a human!

At first I boringly titles this post with "pregnant, sick and frustrated" but then I remembered that I had just posted my current mantra to a friends FB post. She was talking about affirmations in crossfit and how she had used "I can trust my legs!" At last weekend's competition in which she had to do some heavy front squats - a lift that's not her strongest. 

I guess, I need to remind myself of he "this is where I am at right now". 

Nevertheless, here is my original venting post abou being sick, pregnant and frustrated.

So, I caught a cold that I don't seem to get rid off. Nevertheless, I decided to go to the gym and WOD. I'm still not sure whether this was smart or not. I have not been able to hit weights I should be able to, nor have I been able to breathe. 

But, working out made me feel good in the moment. Who knows, maybe I will feel better tomorrow, or after Thanksgiving. 

At any rate, being sick has made me feel even worse about myself and I have encountered some depression and frustrations. 

I checked my weight this morning and I am doing just fine in terms of that, however, I feel like a fat kid and my body has blown up like a water balloon although my weight has not really changed.

Before pregnancy my weight has always been somewhere around 140-150# with a body fat of 16-20. I'm pretty sure my body fat now is through the roof but my weight is at 150# at 15 weeks. 

I usually don't worry too much about weight but now that my strength (and muscles) has decreased I am getting frustrated and anxious.

Maybe this is just a phase, but so far pregnancy has been nothing but nauseating, frustrating, and long... And I am just 3 months in. 

Sorry, but I needed to vent today. 

Being pregnant is different for everyone. Unfortunately for me it's no fun at all. 

Pregnancy Week 11

               Our baby at 9 weeks! 

Food: 

I am starting to feel a bit better and my appetite  seems to be returning. I am still taking diclegis to help nausea and vomiting. Sometimes I am even craving certain foods (primarily complex carbs, such as Pumpernickel) but I have another week of my nutrition and lifestyle challenge to go thorough before I can indulge "limitless" in dairy and carbs again. 

I am currently eating tons of fruits (smoothies, bananas and nuts are my go to foods) I have notice weight gain in areas that bother me. Though he scale, hasn't changed much. Obviously, this may be further pushed by being pregnant, feeling bloated and generally "full". 

Workouts:

I worked out 5 times this week and noticed strength loss. Not only on upper body movements and lifts but also in my legs which is very strange and unusual for me. I was able to Frontsquat 175 but it was super heavy and my jerk only went up to 125 this week. Not to speak of my miserable attempts to dip and do strict pullups. While I am still trying to renounce and recover from neck surgery, I am not happy. 

WOD times also are significantly slower. I have identified several reasons

a) I am not willing to push myself as hard because I am scared I could harm the baby and 

b) I get out of breath unusually fast

c) it's in my head that I "should do better" and how I feel like a failure. 

On some wods I even opted to use lighter weights (very unlike me, unless I can physically not do them, but this week I really could have). 

So WODding has been not as much fun this week. Primarily, because I found myself in self-destructive self talk episodes coupled with passion- and motivation-lacking attitude towards the WODs and myself.

Lifestyle: 

I dragged myself to work every morning this week and on days I didn't have errands to do I took long naps after lunch. Generally, I have been fairly active this week though but I did not get all things done around the house that I wanted to. My husband and I did spend some eves wodding and snuggling together which made me happy and content despite the negative feelings I have had about my body and myself this week. 

Feelings and thoughts:

This week, I have noticed that I am increasingly frustrated about my decreasing performance. Especially my stamina seems to have disappeared. 

I know that part of it has to do with surgery as well which is just 2 months passed now. But it is very difficult for me to not be one of the leaders of the pack at my gym. Plus, everyone else is hitting PRs and improving. 

Sometimes I just can't believe that being 11 weeks pregnant makes me so much weaker. 

I've heard people say the second trimester was different and that the body will regain strength and tiredness will pass as well, but I am skeptical. However, I am not going to give up and I even started running short distances again. I am missing out on the next games and comps season but I want to bounce back as quickly and strong as possible. 

Yet, I am scared I won't. Not because I couldn't but because I will have a baby to take care of which will limit me to the possibilities of doing what I want when I want. But why worry about this now? 

Most important for me now is to get my body image in check and think about aome dietary changes for when the semi-paleo challenge is over. (I had done 6 weeks of strict paleo before and my body did not respond well to it that time either, so I am looking forward to eating what my body really needs and cutting back on some of the things I probably shouldn't have as much (aka bananas and nuts). After all I grew up on potatoes and my ancestors did - still hearing Oma's voice "Iss deine Kartoffeln! Während des Krieges waren wir froh, wenn wit überhaupt welche hatten."